Saving Daniel, by Lucie Britsch

British born with Germanic roots (very different from Jamaican roots in the fun stakes) Lucie Britsch fears her writing career peaked too soon when she won a poopscoop slogan contest as a child. Her writing has since appeared in Barrelhouse, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, This is Pinball, The Millions and Catapult Story, and she has gained an honourable mention in Glimmer Train. She says she is working on some books but is mostly reading other people’s and realising hers is rubbish in comparison.

This story first appeared in Issue 15. Please support our work and buy a copy today.

Image By Original works: Vegas Bleeds Neon Derivative work: FRacco [CC BY-SA 4.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

What’s so funny?

This girl


So I was looking at getting this make-up

You don’t need make-up

Ha ha

Anyway, so I was looking at this make-up and looking at the reviews and it went great, great, then an OK, another great, a love love love this stuff, a marvellous

Do people still say marvellous?

Apparently so


So then another great, one girl really really liked how it made her eyes pop and you know how I feel about the whole eye-popping thing

You like yours staying where they should be


Who doesn’t?

This girl


Anyway, so we have a lot of greats, an OK and an awesome then this girl says it should be banned

She shows him the screen

Makeyourselfpretty 24 hour party ready perfecting foundation

★☆☆☆☆ Review by SarahLouise81

5/30/2015 4:39:00 AM

This make-up should be banned!!!

I wore this to work and after 2 hours it was literally sliding off my face and caused me to break out! Sophie from Accounting said it didn’t look that bad but she is a liar! I am supposed to be going to a party tonight. This make up has ruined my life.

I have given it one star because the packaging is really cute.

They were both laughing now

So anyway I started to worry about this SarahLousie81 so I looked at some of her other reviews

I like where you’re going with this

Good. Pull up a chair

Check out her review on TripAdvisor

She shows him the screen

Sea Breeze Hotel

★☆☆☆☆ Review by SarahLouise81

7/23/2015 2:28:00 AM


This hotel ruined my life! We ended up here after it turned out Daniel forgot to make a reservation for us at the hotel like he said he would and this was the only place with any rooms. Now I know why. I have never seen anything more disgusting in my life. Daniel didn’t think it was that bad but I’ve seen his apartment. I almost walked straight out and threatened to sleep on a bench. I honestly cannot say one good thing about this place. The bathroom was filthy, the bedding had a funny stain on it, there were holes in the wall, and it smelt funny. I mean the shower looked unsafe! Daniel says there was only one hole in the wall but how many do you need? Daniel also says the kettle worked OK but I was asleep by then, in my clothes I add, just to get the night over with. The one star is for the kettle then. I would have given it zero stars but Daniel says I was looking for things to complain about and he’s stayed in worse places.

I repeat DO NOT STAY HERE unless you want to get robbed or raped. Daniel says I can’t say that because I did not get robbed or raped and the kettle was OK.

Holy shit

I know! I think I love this girl

I’m worried for Daniel

You should be

Check this out

She shows him the screen

Cosmopolis by Don DeLillo

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

★☆☆☆☆ Don’t waste your time!

By Sarahlouise81 on June 22, 2015

Format: Paperback

I did NOT enjoy this book. I wanted to but I just didn’t. Daniel said I would love it but he clearly does not know me at all. He said I wasn’t trying but I was. It would have been easier to concentrate on his precious book if he hadn’t of been clipping his toe nails on the coffee table or flicking channels because he can’t just sit through the ad breaks like normal people because he has self-diagnosed adhd but his mother and I just think he’s jealous his brother Sam has just been diagnosed with actual dyslexia and he feels left out. So I tried. Mostly to shut to him up obviously because I could not live another day with him going on about how amazing this book was and how it would change my life. I knew him before he read it and as far as I can tell his life has not changed. This book will not change your life! Don’t waste your money. Whenever I recommend a book he just laughs like my college degree is in nail art or some shit and I’m not even literate. I know it’s because of the whole Eat Pray Love incident but how was I to know it would get made into a movie and that he had a strong Julia Roberts aversion. Most people’s is mild. I mean how was I to know? And I did not say it would change his life I just said it might be better than nothing seeing as we were stuck in that lift and I only had it in my bag because Marcy forced it on me and he knows I can’t say no. Which is a whole other problem which we’re not allowed to talk about.

So I did NOT enjoy this book. I tried. I really did. I would see a movie of it maybe but only if it’s showing at that nice movie theatre with the freshly baked cookies and not that grotty one where the seats are always sticky. People are disgusting.

At least she helped one person not read the best book ever

Let’s hope that one person was Daniel and it was helpful because he realised he needed to get the hell out of there

She might be really pretty

She broke out remember

Oh yeah

So what now?

Now I have to do some real work and maybe start thinking about dinner and pick my ears but not necessarily in that order but I’ll be thinking about Daniel the whole time

What if we fool around?

I’ll still be thinking about Daniel

Me too

It’s the next day

I think your girl’s on the news!


Look! Some girl called Sarah Louise is having a meltdown at some coffee shop downtown

Holy shit

I know!

From what I can make out her coffee was too hot and she was not happy

She’s doing the full Michael Douglas thing!


What? No, Falling Down

I didn’t see that

He goes nuts in Burger King

Sounds like an excellent premise for a film

It was

Look! In the background!

Could that be him?

I don’t know any Daniels but it might be him

Should we go down there?

Yes! Let’s do this. Let’s go save Daniel

High five


Not even this once?


They plan on running downtown but in reality he can’t find his other trainer and she has to stop to pet a dog but eventually they get to the coffee shop


Err yes. Hello. Do I know you?

Oh right, no

We’re here to save you!


What he said

Cool. Can I bring my brother?

The dyslexic!


Yeah, fine, let’s just get out of here

Ten minutes later they are back at the apartment

So what now


Yeah, sure just no internet

She’ll find me you know

She won’t, just don’t go on Tinder or anything stupid

Hey guys, look, she just put a review of jail on Yelp


Seriously and she’s not the only one

Ha ha

And she met some dude!


She says he’s a known felon but he had nice shoes!

Good for her

Good for her

But what about Daniel?

Can I just stay here a while?


So they had saved Daniel

And had a small adventure

And she got to pet a dog and he found his other trainer and that’s just how it is sometimes

But wait, did you decide about the make-up?

Oh right, yes, no, I decided not to get it, thanks to Sarah Louise

I miss her

Me too

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